[Potter] Okay, that'll hold him.
- Corpsman, get this man right... - Right to post-op, Major.
And I noticed you're low on gauze. Here you are, Major.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
[Hawkeye] Boy, those corpsmen are "corpsing" themselves silly.
[Hunnicutt] Maybe they get time off for good behavior.
In the springtime, a young G.I.'s fancies turn to thoughts of promotion.
[Charles] So that explains the sudden outbreak of civility.
Of course, we can't be promoting any of these men...
until we convene a board of promotion.
And while we're on the subject, whose turn do you think it is...
Pierce, Hunnicutt and Winchester?
- Oh, no, Colonel, sorry. - Don't look at me, Colonel.
I already have an 80-hour-a-week job promoting health.
I have a night job as a wino.
It is not my lot in life to guide the lower classes out of the muck.
That's the spirit. I knew I could count on you boys to accept my direct command.
[Hawkeye] No, thank you very much. Not interested.
Look, it's got to be officers.
I'd be glad to do it, sir.
Margaret, you've already done it twice. Major Winchester...
as ranking officer, you are chairman of the board.
[Charles] Ah. Even in the sewer, the cream rises to the top.
[Hawkeye] That does it. I'm playing this war under protest.
[Potter] As long as you play.
You look young enough to have gotten in for half-fare. How old are you?
- Eighteen, sir. - You look even younger.
Got a real bad one here. Sent him in from pre-op. Said he couldn't wait.
I'll get it. I'm finished here. What happened?
He works for Explosive Ordnance Disposal.
He was defusing a mine, and it went off.
- Kellye, get me an airway fast. - Yes, Doctor.
That's the third ordnance man we've gotten this month.
It's a no-win business to sweet-talk explosives.
- Here you are, Doctor. - Wait a minute.
Forget it.
[Sighs] Who's next?
- That guy's dead, isn't he? - Just relax.
- Keep that away from me. - We're just gonna put you to sleep.
- No, you don't! - I've got 10 more people waiting out there...
and I've got no time for mollycoddling!
Now just hush, and take your medicine! Understand?
Yes, sir.
Up, gentlemen. I have here the records...
of all enlisted personnel who are eligible for promotion.
- Let us commence. - Charles, who put the "gung" in your "ho"?
While I did not ask for this assignment...
I intend to see that only those who are deserving will be promoted.
Take it easy, Charles. We can't promote anybody. All we can do is recommend.
Then only those worthy will be recommended.
I have seen sergeants in this man's army who are unfit to be house pets.
Pierce, check these men for required time in service, time in grade, et cetera.
Hunnicutt, make note of commendations, or conversely, letters of reprimand.
And what are you gonna do, boss? Oil the guillotine?
No. No. I shall create a verbal quiz.
We will test our ambitious "lessers" on their military knowledge or lack of same.
Just a friendly little inquisition.
Uh, one word of caution. We must be ever-vigilant.
There may be persons who attempt to sway our judgment by plying us with favors.
Igor, those peas look quite succulent.
- I'll have some, please. - Oh, good day, Captain Hunnicutt.
- Hi, Igor... - I hope you enjoy the Swiss steak, sir.
I made it just the way you like, with onions and mushrooms.
And I even got some hot biscuits to sop up the gravy.
- That was very kind of you. - Igor, my peas?
And we got some nice salad with real tomatoes and crumbly bacon.
- Igor... - And last, but not least, fresh peas.
Igor, I want peas!
Oh, sorry, Father. I'm all out.
What? Oh, I know what you're up to.
The old promotion kisseroonie, right?
Well, just remember, I have a few connections too.
And I won't be putting in a good word for you.
- Here, Father, I'll share my peas with you. - Go stuff'em!
And if I call ahead, I can reserve a lovely supply shed with a view.
- Mm, that might be nice. - Oh, yeah.
- Excuse me, sir! - What do you want, Rizzo, in three syllables or less?
Nothin'. I don't want nothin', sir.
Just thought I'd say hello...
and make sure that you was feelin' all right, sir.
Fine. Good. Fine. Rizzo, your name wouldn't happen to be...
- on the promotion roster, would it? - Oh! [Laughs]
Well, it might be, sir. [Laughs]
I don't pay much attention to that.
But, uh, if you'd like the use of a jeep for the weekend...
Stop.
Excuse me. One second. I'll be back faster than you can say...
"Yes, I'd love to go out with you tonight."
If you want to make points with me, scram...
so I can make points with my newly arrived friend.
- Points? Enough said, sir. - Wait...
Ma'am? Ma'am? I want you to know...
that Captain Pierce here is, uh...
is one man who knows how to treat a lady right.
Yeah, well... [Laughs] Ask any nurse in camp.
They all say that Hawkeye Pierce is the most gentlemanly stud...
- who ever tried to score off'em. - Thank you. That's enough, Rizzo.
Don't mind him. He hasn't been the same since we put in a steel plate.
- I think I better be going. - Oh, no, don't go.
- No, we're... - I just wanted to "hep."
I don't need your "hep."
Before this gets completely out of hand, I'm gonna put an end to this.
Excuse me! Pardon me! Could I have the attention of...
all the enlisted personnel, please?
It is true that I am on the promotion board.
It is also true that my favors...
cannot be begged, bought or borrowed.
And I deeply resent any attempt on, uh...
everybody's part to, uh...
- What is that? Is that strawberry shortcake? - Indeed it is, sir.
- The kind you're always begging me to get. - Oh!
- Real strawberries too. - Wh... You... Uh...
Ah, yes, take it away. No, well, l...
I don't want to, you know, offend you by, uh, refusing it.
But, it, uh...
- No, take it away. Take it away. - Sir? Sir? Sir?
I could arrange to have the cake brought to your tent tonight...
- No! - By a woman!
I'm sorry I read the riot act to you before.
I usually try to act more like a benign despot.
Oh, it was my fault.
It's just that I've never seen a guy die before.
I've only been here a couple of weeks.
I still haven't stopped shaking.
Sure hope I stop soon.
I was a horse soldier in W.W.I.
You never stop being scared.
You just get used to it.
Geez, I thought I was the only guy in my unit that was scared.
See those two guys?
Nothin' seems to faze them...
and they've been through more jams than a judge at a county fair.
- Where do you hail from, Jimmy? - Arkansas.
Well, we're practically neighbors.
I'm from Hannibal, Missouri. What's your hometown?
Little place called Jacksonport.
- You've probably never heard of it. - The hell I haven't.
I've spent some of the best times of my life in your neck of the woods...
- fly-casting for trout in the White River. - Is that right?
I've taken a few trout out of there myself.
I'll bet you have. You figure there's anything in this world...
that tastes better than fresh rainbow trout?
Not hardly. Do you like to fish that little area down below the dams?
Do I ever. And I've come up with a fly...
that has those trout standing in line.
Oh, you tie your own flies, huh?
- Oh, sure. Don't you? - Nah, I never learned how.
- Does it make a difference? - If you like fishing, it doesn't.
If you like catching 'em, it sure does.
## [Humming]
- Major Winchester? - Yeah?
- I gotta talk to you. - You are talking to me, my dear man.
What you have to do now is finish. Quickly.
My name's Hitalski. Elmo Hitalski.
Uh, I'm eligible for a promotion, and I want to know what kind of chance I got.
Hitalski... Hitalski... Yes, I do remember your name.
- Good. - No, bad.
Uh, correct me if I'm wrong. You've been arrested several times.
You've been involved in brawls, destruction of property.
That was all personality conflicts.
- With a jeep? - Look, I gotta be promoted.
- I need the money. - Hitalski, you've already been disqualified.
- We're not even planning on interviewing... - Major!
My father's a career man.
He keeps wondering why I ain't made sergeant yet.
I'm telling you, I want this promotion... bad.
And I'm telling you, an ant would have a better chance at an aardvark convention.
- Good night. - Hold it.
Corporal, are you aware that you are making physical contact with a superior officer?
The way I see it, I ain't got nothing to lose, you know?
- No, I don't know. - Well, if I ain't promoted, I'm making you responsible.
And I'm gonna take my frustrations out on your face.
So before you pass me over, you better think it over real good!
[Whimpers]
Hey, Danielson. Can I ask you something?
- Yeah, what? - On your medical chart under "sex"...
what'd they put, "afraid to"?
Will you lay off about that?
I'm not afraid of anything.
Just to be on the safe side, you better have 'em check you for yellow jaundice.
Cut it out, will ya?
[Man Coughs]
How you doing, Jimmy?
Fine, sir. What do ya got there?
Well, if you're game, I thought I'd give you...
a crash course in tying flies, Potter style.
Gee, that's real nice of you, sir.
Okay. Need a hook.
Then you use this little hand vise.
Clamp that in there. Now for the White River trout...
a little grouse feather ought to do the trick.
So we put that... down side out...
on the shank of the hook...
and use this thread to tie it there.
Yeah, I see.
I'm surprised your dad never taught you that.
Oh, I don't have a dad. He died when I was a baby.
Oh. I'm sorry, Jimmy.
It's okay. I guess you can't miss what you never had.
- How's this? - Good.
Do you have any kids, sir?
One daughter. She's married now.
I used to take her fishing with me until, uh...
she turned 14 and decided...
boys didn't stink and fish did.
[Boys Snickering]
Say, uh, those two fellas in your platoon, uh, they nice guys?
Yeah. They're okay.
- They razz me sometimes. - Oh?
You see, I got a girl back home.
And I wanna be, well, you know, faithful to her.
I mean, she and I never even...
Uh-huh.
Well, I was dumb enough to talk about how I feel...
and they acted like it was the funniest thing they ever heard of.
You see, they're always going off with these Korean women.
They say I'm afraid to.
Maybe I am kinda.
Is that why you don't, uh, 'cause you're afraid?
I don't think a man and a woman should make love unless they're married.
At least I think I think that.
One thing I know for sure...
I don't like being laughed at.
Well, look at it this way.
When it comes down to it...
about all a man has that he can call his own are his values.
When you sell those out...
there's nothing left.
Yeah.
I'll try to remember that.
Gee, I never talked to anybody about this kind of stuff before.
[Hunnicutt] Private Straminsky, what is the...
proper military course of action in the event you're captured by the enemy?
I know that one!
Just give them your name, rank and phone number.
- Born to lead. - [Sighs]
Thank you.
And I'm a loyal, patriotic American...
with a loyal, patriotic American wife, Zola...
and a loyal, patriotic American bouncin' baby boy, Billy Bubba...
not to mention that I'm a junior high school graduate...
- and l... - [Muttering]
Patriotism is not the issue.
- Will you please answer the question. - Oh, yes, sir.
I'll get right to it, sir. Just one question, sir.
What is the question?
Well, the question is, sir, what was the question, sir?
- [Hawkeye Sighs] - [Charles Clears Throat]
The question was, and is...
what is the name of the United States military academy?
Oh, w... Well...
Did I mention that I have a bouncin' baby boy?
- Ah, why don't we give him a hint? - Yeah, good idea.
Uh, Rizzo, it's located in West Point.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well...
The United States military academy, located in West Point, uh...
Fort Wayne!
- Thank you, Corporal. That'll be all. - Seattle!
Corporal, what's the proper procedure for filing a morning report?
Yes, sir. The proper disposition of daily data as per army regulation...
D-252 Section R, Paragraph six...
is to fill it out, file one copy, forward the others...
and faint if they actually get there.
W-Well, how did I do?
Well, I have just one more bit of business.
I'm gonna promote myself to unconscious.
Gentlemen... [Clears Throat]
Before we adjourn, could we take a second look at this man's record?
You probably don't remember him. Corporal Hitalski.
- [Laughs] - The guy who put a jeep in intensive care?
Ah, you do remember him. So much the better.
The only board he should be in front of is a parole board.
Admittedly, he was a bit rambunctious in the carefree days ofhis youth...
but he's been a model soldier lo these last... two weeks.
- I beg you to reconsider. - Charles, do us both a favor. Talk to me when I'm awake.
I got a date with an angel of mercy. Try me later.
Uh, see, i-if this man were overlooked, uh...
l... I couldn't live with myself.
Not for long anyway.
Hey, Danielson, you awake?
- Yeah. - Sorry about the way we've been razzin' you.
Yeah, me too. It was dumb.
- You want to play some cards? - Sure.
- Poker okay with you? - Okay.
Okay.
Here we go. Five card draw.
Very funny.!
What's the matter, Danielson? Don't you like looking at naked ladies?
Why don't you guys just leave me alone?
Danielson, you don't like women, you don't like to drink...
you got the old man looking after you...
You're about the sorriest excuse for a man I ever saw.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I'm man enough...
to volunteer for explosive ordnance disposal duty.
What are you talking about? You didn't do that.
The papers are all filled out and approved.
I go to E.O.D. Straight from here.
I'm gonna defuse bombs.
Either of you he-men got the guts to go with me?
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to break up this little gabfest.
- You all need your rest. - Major.
Major...
How do I go about getting transferred to E.O.D.?
Sure am glad you changed your mind about tonight.
Well, I figured it wouldn't be fair to hold your past against you.
- Ahhh... - As long as you realize that I'm nobody's one-night stand.
You know, I'm really glad you said that.
After a while, you get tired of these empty, shallow liaisons.
- Oh, yeah. - That's why this place is so perfect.
We can talk. We can really get to know one another. Nobody'll interrupt us.
Ah, mademoiselle and monsieur are right on time.
- Igor, what are you doing? - I'm serving you dinner, sir.
Oh! [Laughs]
- Igor, would you get out of here? - Of course, sir.
- I've got to get the wine. - Ah. Good.
He's, uh, goin' to get the wine.
[Laughs] I wasn't expecting all this.
Yeah. What a surprise, huh?
All right, l... I don't get it, Klinger. What is this?
It's "Begin the Beguine." But I only know the end.
Excuse me.
- Do you take requests? - Sure.
- Go away. - I think I know that one.
Look, I'm real sorry about all this.
Hey, the dinner's fine. The music was a nice idea.
But this is where I get off!
- Oh, boy. - Was that how you were planning to get to know me better?
- Oh, no, no. - Well, good night and good-bye.
Wait a minute. You can't go now. There's wine coming.
- Stick a cork in it! - Stick a... Wait a minute.
Good evening, ma'am and sir.
- How about a romantic moonlight spin? - Ooh!
I can't believe it. That's it. We're through.
Wonderful. Now maybe the men will leave me alone and the women won't.
Ah, gentlemen, before we adjourn...
there is still the matter of one Corporal Elmo Hitalski...
a most worthy and deserving soldier.
- Him again? - Admittedly, he's not perfect.
- But who is? - You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down...
because he had a "Z" in his name.
I had an encounter the other night with, uh, Mr. Hitalski.
He's a rather large gentleman, possessing a fist...
the approximate size of Ohio.
He has assured me that should he not be promoted...
he will pound me into the ground like a croquet stake.
- I implore you, help me. - Charles, there's no way.
Even if we did recommend this guy, it would never get past Potter.
And if it somehow did, "l" Corps would bounce it back in our faces.
Well, then as I see it, I have, uh...
only two chances for survival.
One, Hitalski's bluffing.
Two, he's illiterate.
And I'm pretty sure he's not bluffing.
- How are you doin' today? - I'm okay, sir.
Had an interesting conversation with Major Houlihan.
She said something about you transferring to E.O.D.
That's right. I mean, somebody's got to do it.
You know, there's probably been more stupidity...
committed in the name of manhood than for any other reason.
- I don't know what you're talking about. - Sure you do.
Tell me you're not doing this fool thing...
just to impress those two jerks over there.
- Why don't you leave me alone? - Because you're acting like a dumb kid...
and it might cost you your life.
I don't have to listen to you. I can do what I want.
Who do you think you are, my father?
No, I'm not your father.
But I am your doctor.
And I'm going to keep you here a while longer.
How much longer?
Till leaving won't endanger your health.
The list is out! The list is out!
- What list? - The promotion list...
O wise and compassionate board members.
- Ah, you made it! - Congratulations!
Call me "Sarge." Call me delirious.
- That's just terrific. - But not for everyone.
[Muttering]
- Lieutenant, you are late. - Sorry.
I got stuck in the Officers Club. Some guy named Hitalski...
was teed off because he didn't get promoted.
He was tearing the place apart.
Whew. Should I keep Roberts on...
Major Winchester, what are you doing in bed?
Go away. Go away. Don't tell anyone I'm here.
- And it's "Smith." - But you have to...
- Dismissed. - Oh!
[Chuckles]
I knew I'd find you sooner or later.
- You let me down, Major. - God knows I tried my best.
I did. L... It was just impossible.
Well, that's too bad for the both of us.
- So pucker up, Doc. - [Door Opens]
- Sergeant Hitalski, congratulations! - Congratulations!
- Wonderful news. - Put 'er there.
We just got the supplemental promotion list. Because of an error...
your name was originally omitted, but "l" Corps sent these along...
- with their apologies, Sarge. - Yeah, there you are.
- Right there. You made it. - Gee, I made it.
I really did.
- Gee, thanks, Major. - [Mutters]
This is the best day of my life.
- Mine too. - Oh, there's one condition.
With the promotion goes a transfer.
They don't need sergeants in any of the units here, so you're going to the States.
- The States? When? - Oh, immediately.
Here you go. Three stripes and you're out.
- Aw, ain't they pretty? - Yeah, I know exactly how you feel.
But you gotta go. Your plane leaves Kimpo in an hour.
Here's your travel orders.
There's a jeep waiting outside for you. Don't hurt it.
There's your duffel bag all packed. You better get moving.
Who would believe this could ever happen to me?
Daddy's gonna be so proud.
- So long. - So long.
[Door Closes]
Gentlemen, I am both relieved and amazed.
But how Hitalski could possibly have been promoted is beyond me.
- Quiet. The man is on the phone. - Hello, Kimpo?
I wanna report a man who's A.W.O.L., dangerous and impersonating a sergeant.
Elmo Hitalski. He just busted up an Officers Club...
and threatened to do the same to an officer.
Oh, you won't have any trouble finding him.
He's carrying brilliantly forged travel papers.
And he's gonna attempt to board the 5:00 flight to Tokyo.
My name?
Sergeant Maxwell Klinger, MASH 4077.
- [Knocking] - It ain't locked.
Well, I wasn't expecting you.
Just returning your fly-tying gear, sir.
- Thanks. - Sure.
I'm gonna use one of them next time I go fishing in the White River.
I hope it brings you luck.
Sir, l... I wanna apologize for what I said last week.
You were right. I don't wanna go to E.O.D.
There's a bus leaving for my unit later.
I'd like to get on it if you think I'm well enough.
- I think you're just fine. - But I got a lot of growing up to do, huh?
You've just done some.
Make sure you stick to those values.
I will.
I never got to know my father...
but I'd like to think he was a lot like you.
Why that's, uh...
real nice of you to say.
Well, it's been a pleasure to know you, Colonel.
The feeling is mutual. You take care.
I will. Good-bye.
Good-bye...
son.
Well, Klinger, you deserved to make sergeant.
- And I bet your folks are proud too. - Oh, yeah.
I am now the second most successful member...
of the Klinger clan, right behind Hassan, The Enforcer.
You know, with all this Hitalski business, I never bothered...
- to find out who got promoted and who didn't. - Yeah, neither did I.
Hey, Captain, lube this.
Oh, excuse me, Captain. I'm sorry.
L... I guess I missed the tray.
Well, what do you expect from a dumb private?